on motherhood

Photo by Herman Jean-Noel on The Big Island of Hawai’i.

Before becoming a mother I never imagined how much the experience would change me. Like most Brooklyn citizens, I was living my life doing me. But as the urge to become a mom developed I had to get intentional. In doing so, I shifted mental gears to prepare for the magical blessing that was to come. 

As a Cultural Producer, I have always been fully present, staying connected and putting community before myself. I would often go out for coffees, drinks, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and cultural events all over the five boroughs of NYC to stay connected to the city's pulse. Although that worked for many years, this past year has taught me many things about love, life, and what it truly means to connect with family.

In many ways, I was at the height of my career, living my dream life, with my dream job. Although I was having trouble reconciling with how I was allowing myself to be cared for in my career, I was yearning to have a baby. This was not always my M.O., so it took a while to conceive. I was not having biological fertility issues, I just wasn’t being present. 

Finding out I was pregnant was an opportunity to tune in can connect to self and spirit in ways I had never allowed myself access to. No alcohol, fairly healthy foods (with the exception of DiFara's Pizza!), lots of water, and dancing. Lots of dancing. Up until the day I went into labor, I was dancing, moving around, having fun! I approached the idea of becoming a new mother with a profound sense of gratitude and connection to spirit. I felt everything: every change in my body. I felt like a radiant light.

Throughout my pregnancy, the light inside of me took me to Alice Walker’s home for a magnificent Celebration of Life in California and the island of Kaua’i. The island is now for my husband and me one of our most beloved places. On that first trip, we blessed the baby on sacred grounds on the edge of the island. At that place, we said a special prayer for our unborn child and had a beloved ceremony to honor and welcome his spirit. We saved a little jar of ocean water (aka the ancestors) from that day to baptize our son when the time is right. On that trip, my husband and I vowed to love each other and our unborn child and break all generational cycles of divorce and abuse. We promised to center our love before the child because if we do not center our love first, what are we teaching our child about love and healthy relationships?

Upon returning from that blessed pilgrimage to Hawai'i, I came back to the mainland feeling ready to release, trust the process, and finally surrender to myself becoming a mother. Then, on the dance floor of our dear friend's wedding reception (this was the song) in the heart of the farmlands of New Jersey, it happened. My water broke. Was this it? I mean, it...I thought. Was I ready? Is this going to hurt? Oh snap, have we booked the doula? 72 hours and a whole Labor Day in Brooklyn later. He was here. Indigo Kaua’i Jean-Noel. He was precious and perfect and came into this world by a soundtrack created by D.J. Reborn (for those who know, you know). He is awesome.

Fast forward to 2021, he is three and thriving. His daily existence teaches me about true love, empathy, full self-expression, mindfulness, affection, pure joy, and most importantly, what the source truly is. I am forever grateful to this kind spirit for birthing me as I was birthing him.